All entertainment writers have our lapses; Many people I’ve worked with have never read a Harry Potter or seen a Star War. A lot of classic movies and television just aren’t priority when you know your taste preferences, which is how I went 16 years without seeing a single Fast and Furious movie.
But that is about to change, dear readers. In honor of Fate of the Furious dropping today, it was time. My virgin eyes will finally first witness 2001’s The Fast and the Furious, starting…right…now.
Come along on this journey with me.
1. This is the wrong movie
I accidentally started Fast & Furious, the 2009 movie which was fifth in the franchise. This is an easy mistake but also not one I’m proud of, but shoutout to Michelle Rodriguez for tipping me off as I started wondering how famous she was from this franchise before she appeared on Lost.
Okay, got the right one now. Universal logo looks kinda jank.
2. Now it’s the right one.
These credits! This font! The early 2000s, what a blessed and carefree era for graphic design in general.
3. Michelle Rodriguez was decently famous before Lost.
When she appeared as Ana Lucia Cortez in 2005, I had seen Rodriguez in zero Fast and Furious movies. As of five minutes ago, I had seen her in zero Fast and Furious movies. Who knew? (You did. All of you.)
4. Fast, loud cars are probably way cooler if you don’t live in New York.
These speeding trucks are usually my nighttime lullaby. I’m going to need more coffee for this.
5. V into this soundtrack.
6. I miss driving.
Not that cruising my mom’s Toyota Camry around midwestern suburbs was anything like this, but it sure seems like that now.
7. Brian got in a fight with Vince because he used a gay slur.
I doubt he’s brawling to defend political correctness, but I have already retconned this plot.
8. What exactly do these guys do?
I don’t know anything about sports and/or cars plz do help.
9. Paul Walker is so handsome.
He has a screen presence that must have set the bar for every Chris in Hollywood right now. It’s spooky to only be watching his work for the first time.
10. Everyone’s sunglasses tho.
They’re just so small and weirdly proportioned and why.
11. This line.
Damn, homie. Dom respects respect, ya know?
12. Wait, are they vigilantes?
There’s a police scanner reporting codes, are they
They wanted the cops occupied so they could race freely in the streets. Gotcha.
14. Can Brian drive in warp speed?
One thing I have watched before is Star Trek, and I know what this means:
15. Are Brian and Dom going to be frenemies?
More importantly, will they fall in love?
16. Fast cars + sirens is too real.
My weekend lullaby!
17. How old is Vin Diesel?
He appears to be aging like John Stamos and Paul Rudd, which is to say…not at all.
Is this West Side Story with cars? Do you all hate me yet?
19. Every time someone says “NOS”
20. Michelle Rodriguez is playing the same character as on Lost.
Okay that is my last Lost reference but it’s true and Ana Lucia is tough but also the worst.
21. OH SHIT BRIAN IS UNDERCOVER.
Proud that I figured it out myself and rendered this explainer redundant.
I feel kind of betrayed on behalf of my new Corona-loving friend Dom.
22. I gasped when Brian asked Mia out.
23. Paul Walker wears t-shirts exceptionally well.
I’m sad. He was so young.
24. M I A
Takes me back to this evergreen burn:
25. What the hell
Johnny Tran is torturing a man by feeding him oil. Johnny Tran is also hot in t-shirts.
26. Brian almost got in another fight bc he’s too woke.
This time because a colleague said he gets off to Mia’s surveillance footage and then Brian’s boss asked if he’s “going native.” Boy, bye.
27. Dom has been through some shit.
He watched his father burn to death, good god. This movie is dark.
28. This amazing reveal.
It shouldn’t surprise you at this point that it got me.
29. I guess The Rock isn’t in this movie.
31. omg Brian told Mia the truth.
32. This shit is intense.
33. Is Vince going to lose his arm I did not sign up for this.
There’s a lot of blood and yelling!!
35. Brian saving Vince is huge.
This was not the type of movie I expected to come full circle, like with our hero saving the life of a guy who he got into a fight with in the beginning. But here we are!
36. Such acting. Much performance.
This is Vin Diesel’s major scene, when he too learns the truth about Brian. If it weren’t for this dope soundtrack I would have laughed out loud (I let out a tempered chuckle).
37. Jesse arrives, oblivious to everything.
Brian has a gun to Dom’s head, maybe talk about that before your thing?
38. OH NO JESSE GOT SHOT.
The last thing I said about him was not unkind, but not kind, you know? Jesse I am so sorry.
39. Are there more motorcycles in future movies, cause I’m into it.
40. They’re just so fast and so furious.
What even is the point of this, Dom? You have shit to take care of, and criminals to catch (besides yourself).
41. Okay fine this was cool.
42. DOM NO.
Mere seconds after the bonding moment of surpassing a speeding train together, Brian and Dom’s tenuous friendship is tested once again. Dom crashes into a truck but survives with a gash to the head and a sore shoulder. They both still look great in t-shirts.
43. Brian lets Dom go because he is a good friend but not a good cop.
A classic Hollywood trope!
44. This end credits song by Ja Rule.
45. Wait, how did this end?
Dom is on the run, Brian could lose his job, Letty got messed up pretty bad and Vince is in critical condition. Our forbidden lovebirds did not get together, and Johnny Tran’s lackey got away. Were they always setting it up for a sequel or 10? Am I going to watch the rest of the Fast and Furious movies…??